So Very Small

Every time I read one of the recent posts by Fatty, I want to come here and write something profound. But each time I try, it ends up being hollow, forced and/or fake.

How do you tell a total stranger how much your heart aches for his wife and family? How do you tell someone how moved you are, not only by what he’s going through, but by sharing it with us, the faceless internet?

My thoughts and prayers are with Susan, Fatty, and their children.

I can’t say more than that.

Insults and Confrontation

I’ve never been good at confrontation. Even things that would be considered minor leave my hands shaking and my heart pounding. Case in point today.

I play a game called City of Heroes (side tangent, I want to have Maelstrom’s babies). In this game, there are good people, and there are the typical internet jackasses. Right now there is an event going on that involves aliens bombing parts of the city and large group fights. This causes me to get randomly thrown together with strangers, something I don’t really enjoy.

On this particular fight, I invited several random people to my team to increase the chances that they would get the badges that they needed. One random person whom I’ll call the Jackass, continuously told us what to do. Get the heavies. Get the heavies. Focus on the heavies. Now, I could understand it if people on the team were new, but we were all experienced players, and the person who was doing to ordering was a beginner. Finally I got fed up and said “We know, you don’t need to keep telling us.” He replied, “Does it bother you that much?”

Well, yes. But I simply exercised my group leader right and kicked him. A couple minutes later, this conversation ensued:

[Tell] Jackass: wow haha
[Tell] Jackass: fa.g
[Tell] –>Jackass: That’s the best you can come up with?
[Team] CBRXX Blackbird: He called me a fag in tell LOL
[Tell] Jackass: Yes, you are homosexual. Its the most rational solution.
[Team] Random teammate: report him then

At this point I relay what he said to Mr. Hottie, who tells me “Tell him you are!”

[Tell] –>Jackass: You’re absolutely right. I love the cock. I can’t get enough of it. AAre you single?

I get nothing back, but then a couple minutes later, this happens:

[Broadcast] Jackass: CBRXX Blackbird has something rather large lodged in his a.nus

All of this makes me agree with the formula for internet jackassery.

Now, the problem with all of this is that it made my heart race and my hands shake. I do not like confrontation AT ALL, even when I have Mr. Hottie backing me. I always make him call the creditors because I can’t handle it.

That’s my rant for this evening, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Voltron Made Me Cry Today

I’m one of those people carrying around a lot of nostalgia. I have fond memories of growing up in California, and the things I did and played with. I’ve been watching a lot of instant play on Netflix, and I saw they had a couple of my favorite childhood shows (Voltron and Airwolf). I’ve been watching Season 1 of Voltron.

I’ve you’ve seen this, you know they don’t actually get to FORM Voltron until the 4th or 5th episode. I tell you what, I don’t know if it’s because it’s that time of the month or what, but when I watched that part I started crying and laughing.

I remember thinking the die cast Voltron – you know, the giant one that could be used as a deadly weapon when assembled? – was the COOLEST TOY EVER™ My mom got me one of the little plastic ones for Christmas and I thought it was awesome too. Now that I’m an adult, if I can get my hands on a die cast Voltron, I’m so doing it.

This post was a little more rambling than I wanted, but oh well. I’ll do better next time 😉

I am a Gamer Geek (not really)

I’ve pretty much been focusing on the Little Man, and life in general, my health and things like that in this blog. But I feel like I really should be writing about all aspects of myself. I do tend to censor a little because I’m not totally comfortable with the idea yet, but I’m getting there. My last post was a HUGE step for me, and probably one of the hardest.

Yesterday I saw something about an upcoming Prince of Persia movie (actually it was a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal all buffed out). Yet another video game movie, but this one has promise. It’s NOT directed by Ewe Boll.

Now, I’ve never played the Prince of Persia games. I’ve looked over Mr. Hottie’s shoulder while he’s been playing them, but I tend to not play that kind of game. In fact I haven’t played a lot of the games that are out mainly due to the fact that we didn’t have a TV until last December, and we don’t own any consoles. Yet. (I have big plans for a 52″ Aquos with PS3, Xbox, and Wii). So my gaming experience lately has pretty much been City of Heroes and whatever random Popcap game sucks me in for the week. However, I can appreciate a good game flick.

Prince of Persia looks like it might be a good game flick, just based off a few things. One: Jake Gyllenhaal. Two: Jerry Bruckheimer. Three: NOT Ewe Boll.

There’s not much available to check into. I can’t find what I’d consider to be a ‘real’ trailer, so the only things out there are a couple of interviews and on the set teasers. Still, it looks like it could be very good.

I started a Netflix trial the other day and immediately found one of the movies I grew up on. I swear I used to watch this thing at least once a month, and I remember my dad letting me stay up late to watch it. Yellowbeard! Truly a classic Monty Python people but not Monty Python brand movies. I highly recommend it to anyone with a warped sense of humor. I plan on introducing my kids to it when they visit again. Mua-hah-hah!

Take A Deep Breath, Let It Out…

Several months ago a wonderful woman by the name of Maggie started a blog called Violence UnSilenced. In it, survivors of domestic violence and abuse would tell their stories. Some were from people who were already in a better situation, some were from people who had to stay anonymous to protect themselves.

I read the stories with mingled horror and admiration. Some stories even brought tears to my eyes. These women and men were so strong, so brave. It took several days of soul-searching before I decided to send in my story. This was back in February. I think it’s a testament to the welcome nature of the site that it was finally posted today.

Read my story here.

Those of you who have come to my blog from that post, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, and your support. When I started re-reading my own post, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, and narrowly avoided having a panic attack. Your words calmed me, soothed me. I wonder if my mother may stumble upon this post. I still haven’t told anyone except my husband, and you faceless, wonderful people of the internet.

I’m mainly writing this post because I wanted to share the letter that I wrote about. I’m not sure that I need to say much about it, the words speak for themselves.

I have tried for years to say I’m sorry. I’ve imagined it, I’ve said it out loud yet the whole time my shame takes me to the place of the unforgiven. I have tried for years to give back to you what I took from you, with anger of my own making. I had no understanding at the time who I was or why I was. It’s funny how the past sews itself into the now and never lets you forget even when you try. We all find ways to cope and yours was the most beautiful. A true forgiving. You were always calm in my storm and my storm sometimes never ended. I finally found the reason and made amends with it. I made myself whole again and you have always been there, the one person I owe a world of thank you’s to, a world of apologies. I live with my regrets but no sorrow of the time we spent together. I came looking for you but never found you. Then out of nowhere google sent me here. I hope you’re well. I hope you have all the happiness in the world. I’m sorry to disturb you if the past is not a fair place to spend any time.

I wrote him back, of course. I won’t post all the emails here, but here is another excerpt from his second email.

I hate to harp on the same subject but I’m trying to find how, in words, to tell you that I healed thanks to you. I went to anger management, psychologist, psychiatrist, the works. All because I couldn’t live with myself for what I did to you. I feel like an alcoholic saying that I haven’t had a drink in ….. But I found peace and haven’t had a relapse of anger EVER. I am grateful that I only have you to apologize to. It’s not fair that we can be hurt so young and hurt other who are innocent, who only want to love us. I sorry from the bottom of my heart. There hasn’t been a week go by that I haven’t thought about you and hoped that I didn’t scar you.

I know I am so lucky, and I can only hope that other people in my situation see themselves and act. I can only pray that the givers of pain, the abusers, recognize themselves and -stop-. It’s a far cry, but it happened in my situation, I have faith that it will happen in others.

Thank you for listening.