Cure Juvenile Myositis Day

Kevin at Always Home and Uncool has asked me to post this as part of his effort to raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife’s birthday.
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Our pediatrician admitted it early on.

The rash on our 2-year-old daughter’s cheeks, joints and legs was something he’d never seen before.

The next doctor wouldn’t admit to not knowing.

He rattled off the names of several skins conditions — none of them seemingly worth his time or bedside manner — then quickly prescribed antibiotics and showed us the door.

The third doctor admitted she didn’t know much.

The biopsy of the chunk of skin she had removed from our daughter’s knee showed signs of an “allergic reaction” even though we had ruled out every allergy source — obvious and otherwise — that we could.

The fourth doctor had barely closed the door behind her when, looking at the limp blonde cherub in my lap, she admitted she had seen this before. At least one too many times before.

She brought in a gaggle of med students. She pointed out each of the physical symptoms in our daughter:

The rash across her face and temples resembling the silhouette of a butterfly.

The purple-brown spots and smears, called heliotrope, on her eyelids.

The reddish alligator-like skin, known as Gottron papules, covering the knuckles of her hands.

The onset of crippling muscle weakness in her legs and upper body.

She then had an assistant bring in a handful of pages photocopied from an old medical textbook. She handed them to my wife, whose birthday it happened to be that day.

This was her gift — a diagnosis for her little girl.

That was seven years ago — Oct. 2, 2002 — the day our daughter was found to have juvenile dermatomyositis, one of a family of rare autoimmune diseases that can have debilitating and even fatal consequences when not treated quickly and effectively.

Our daughter’s first year with the disease consisted of surgical procedures, intravenous infusions, staph infections, pulmonary treatments and worry. Her muscles were too weak for her to walk or swallow solid food for several months. When not in the hospital, she sat on our living room couch, propped up by pillows so she wouldn’t tip over, as medicine or nourishment dripped from a bag into her body.

Our daughter, Thing 1, Megan, now age 9, remembers little of that today when she dances or sings or plays soccer. All that remain with her are scars, six to be exact, and the array of pills she takes twice a day to help keep the disease at bay.

What would have happened if it took us more than two months and four doctors before we lucked into someone who could piece all the symptoms together? I don’t know.

I do know that the fourth doctor, the one who brought in others to see our daughter’s condition so they could easily recognize it if they ever had the misfortune to be presented with it again, was a step toward making sure other parents also never have to find out.

That, too, is my purpose today.

It is also my birthday gift to my wife, My Love, Rhonda, for all you have done these past seven years to make others aware of juvenile myositis diseases and help find a cure for them once and for all.

To read more about children and families affected by juvenile myositis diseases, visit Cure JM Foundation at www.curejm.org

To make a tax-deductible donation toward JM research, go to www.firstgiving.com/rhondaandkevinmckeever or www.curejm.com/team/donations.htm

Validity

I was reading a blog today over at Okay, Fine, Dammit, and it got me thinking.

My thoughts went something along the lines of “I should post on my blog more” to “I should really get with Hottie and launch our joint blog” to “I don’t have time for that stuff right now, I’m busy with school” to “No one wants to read my bullshit anyway” to “Yeah, why write if no one cares? I don’t need a diary, I already know what I do every day” to “Just write something, already!” to “Fuck you, I’m not writing anything until I’m done with this term!”

Then my inner voices got into an animated fight complete with dust clouds and random limbs sticking out with “#@%$&!” popping out here and there.

Then I ate half a bag of Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chunk Brownie cookies and I felt better.

So Very Small

Every time I read one of the recent posts by Fatty, I want to come here and write something profound. But each time I try, it ends up being hollow, forced and/or fake.

How do you tell a total stranger how much your heart aches for his wife and family? How do you tell someone how moved you are, not only by what he’s going through, but by sharing it with us, the faceless internet?

My thoughts and prayers are with Susan, Fatty, and their children.

I can’t say more than that.

Insults and Confrontation

I’ve never been good at confrontation. Even things that would be considered minor leave my hands shaking and my heart pounding. Case in point today.

I play a game called City of Heroes (side tangent, I want to have Maelstrom’s babies). In this game, there are good people, and there are the typical internet jackasses. Right now there is an event going on that involves aliens bombing parts of the city and large group fights. This causes me to get randomly thrown together with strangers, something I don’t really enjoy.

On this particular fight, I invited several random people to my team to increase the chances that they would get the badges that they needed. One random person whom I’ll call the Jackass, continuously told us what to do. Get the heavies. Get the heavies. Focus on the heavies. Now, I could understand it if people on the team were new, but we were all experienced players, and the person who was doing to ordering was a beginner. Finally I got fed up and said “We know, you don’t need to keep telling us.” He replied, “Does it bother you that much?”

Well, yes. But I simply exercised my group leader right and kicked him. A couple minutes later, this conversation ensued:

[Tell] Jackass: wow haha
[Tell] Jackass: fa.g
[Tell] –>Jackass: That’s the best you can come up with?
[Team] CBRXX Blackbird: He called me a fag in tell LOL
[Tell] Jackass: Yes, you are homosexual. Its the most rational solution. Fag.got
[Team] Random teammate: report him then

At this point I relay what he said to Mr. Hottie, who tells me “Tell him you are!”

[Tell] –>Jackass: You’re absolutely right. I love the cock. I can’t get enough of it. AAre you single?

I get nothing back, but then a couple minutes later, this happens:

[Broadcast] Jackass: CBRXX Blackbird has something rather large lodged in his a.nus

All of this makes me agree with the formula for internet jackassery.

Now, the problem with all of this is that it made my heart race and my hands shake. I do not like confrontation AT ALL, even when I have Mr. Hottie backing me. I always make him call the creditors because I can’t handle it.

That’s my rant for this evening, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Voltron Made Me Cry Today

I’m one of those people carrying around a lot of nostalgia. I have fond memories of growing up in California, and the things I did and played with. I’ve been watching a lot of instant play on Netflix, and I saw they had a couple of my favorite childhood shows (Voltron and Airwolf). I’ve been watching Season 1 of Voltron.

I’ve you’ve seen this, you know they don’t actually get to FORM Voltron until the 4th or 5th episode. I tell you what, I don’t know if it’s because it’s that time of the month or what, but when I watched that part I started crying and laughing.

I remember thinking the die cast Voltron – you know, the giant one that could be used as a deadly weapon when assembled? – was the COOLEST TOY EVER™ My mom got me one of the little plastic ones for Christmas and I thought it was awesome too. Now that I’m an adult, if I can get my hands on a die cast Voltron, I’m so doing it.

This post was a little more rambling than I wanted, but oh well. I’ll do better next time ;)

I am a Gamer Geek (not really)

I’ve pretty much been focusing on the Little Man, and life in general, my health and things like that in this blog. But I feel like I really should be writing about all aspects of myself. I do tend to censor a little because I’m not totally comfortable with the idea yet, but I’m getting there. My last post was a HUGE step for me, and probably one of the hardest.

Yesterday I saw something about an upcoming Prince of Persia movie (actually it was a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal all buffed out). Yet another video game movie, but this one has promise. It’s NOT directed by Ewe Boll.

Now, I’ve never played the Prince of Persia games. I’ve looked over Mr. Hottie’s shoulder while he’s been playing them, but I tend to not play that kind of game. In fact I haven’t played a lot of the games that are out mainly due to the fact that we didn’t have a TV until last December, and we don’t own any consoles. Yet. (I have big plans for a 52″ Aquos with PS3, Xbox, and Wii). So my gaming experience lately has pretty much been City of Heroes and whatever random Popcap game sucks me in for the week. However, I can appreciate a good game flick.

Prince of Persia looks like it might be a good game flick, just based off a few things. One: Jake Gyllenhaal. Two: Jerry Bruckheimer. Three: NOT Ewe Boll.

There’s not much available to check into. I can’t find what I’d consider to be a ‘real’ trailer, so the only things out there are a couple of interviews and on the set teasers. Still, it looks like it could be very good.

I started a Netflix trial the other day and immediately found one of the movies I grew up on. I swear I used to watch this thing at least once a month, and I remember my dad letting me stay up late to watch it. Yellowbeard! Truly a classic Monty Python people but not Monty Python brand movies. I highly recommend it to anyone with a warped sense of humor. I plan on introducing my kids to it when they visit again. Mua-hah-hah!

Take A Deep Breath, Let It Out…

Several months ago a wonderful woman by the name of Maggie started a blog called Violence UnSilenced. In it, survivors of domestic violence and abuse would tell their stories. Some were from people who were already in a better situation, some were from people who had to stay anonymous to protect themselves.

I read the stories with mingled horror and admiration. Some stories even brought tears to my eyes. These women and men were so strong, so brave. It took several days of soul-searching before I decided to send in my story. This was back in February. I think it’s a testament to the welcome nature of the site that it was finally posted today.

Read my story here.

Those of you who have come to my blog from that post, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, and your support. When I started re-reading my own post, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, and narrowly avoided having a panic attack. Your words calmed me, soothed me. I wonder if my mother may stumble upon this post. I still haven’t told anyone except my husband, and you faceless, wonderful people of the internet.

I’m mainly writing this post because I wanted to share the letter that I wrote about. I’m not sure that I need to say much about it, the words speak for themselves.

7/27/06
I have tried for years to say I’m sorry. I’ve imagined it, I’ve said it out loud yet the whole time my shame takes me to the place of the unforgiven. I have tried for years to give back to you what I took from you, with anger of my own making. I had no understanding at the time who I was or why I was. It’s funny how the past sews itself into the now and never lets you forget even when you try. We all find ways to cope and yours was the most beautiful. A true forgiving. You were always calm in my storm and my storm sometimes never ended. I finally found the reason and made amends with it. I made myself whole again and you have always been there, the one person I owe a world of thank you’s to, a world of apologies. I live with my regrets but no sorrow of the time we spent together. I came looking for you but never found you. Then out of nowhere google sent me here. I hope you’re well. I hope you have all the happiness in the world. I’m sorry to disturb you if the past is not a fair place to spend any time.

I wrote him back, of course. I won’t post all the emails here, but here is another excerpt from his second email.

I hate to harp on the same subject but I’m trying to find how, in words, to tell you that I healed thanks to you. I went to anger management, psychologist, psychiatrist, the works. All because I couldn’t live with myself for what I did to you. I feel like an alcoholic saying that I haven’t had a drink in ….. But I found peace and haven’t had a relapse of anger EVER. I am grateful that I only have you to apologize to. It’s not fair that we can be hurt so young and hurt other who are innocent, who only want to love us. I sorry from the bottom of my heart. There hasn’t been a week go by that I haven’t thought about you and hoped that I didn’t scar you.

I know I am so lucky, and I can only hope that other people in my situation see themselves and act. I can only pray that the givers of pain, the abusers, recognize themselves and -stop-. It’s a far cry, but it happened in my situation, I have faith that it will happen in others.

Thank you for listening.

A Real Pain in the Neck

A few days ago I slept on my neck funny or something. Since then I can’t turn my head to the right without pain. It was bad enough yesterday that I spent the day hopped up on painkillers to dull it. This morning I feel utterly like crap. Nausea and no appetite whatsoever, and aching pain from my neck to my shoulder.

Hopefully the chiropractor that Mr. Hottie and I went to last year will be able to see me today. I don’t want to have to keep taking drugs for this.

Sitting upright is making my arm and shoulder shake. Laying down is just as bad.

On a totally unrelated note, it looks like I need to move some posts over again, so don’t be surprised if the rather large gap between May and June starts to fill in.

An Important Update

I was looking back over my past couple posts and boy have things changed for me over the past few weeks! This will be a small update simply because so much has happened I’ll need to think about it all before I post it and make it pretty.

Here are the primary things:

There’s no way I’d be able to keep all this straight if it weren’t for the Outlook Calendar. My life is ruled by recurring events and alarms.

We’re in a new apartment now, much bigger than the old place. Unpacking is going slowly because I have so much other stuff on my plate, but we’re getting there. My kids are coming to visit this weekend and we get an extra day due to Monday being a holiday. I just hope I can get their room cleared of boxes before they show up.

I was rescued from Kaplan at the last minute by a friend from LOTRO who told me about Western Governor’s University. I really can’t say enough good things about this school. They’re competency based so you won’t progress unless you can prove what you know. No slack off passing here.  One of the hardest things for me to adapt to is the fact that there is no homework. You’re evaluated strictly based on your competency on the final assessment for each class. It’s a wonderful change from feeling like you MUST do something, especially when some of the information is stuff I already know and don’t need to worry about it. I have a presentation to do for one class, and I’m already prepping to take my CIWv5 certification, the first of many that are included in the tuition cost of my degree program.

Griffon is officially a toddler now. He’s all over the place and trying to climb up to get things that are out of his reach. This is pretty damn amazing considering back in December we weren’t sure if he’d ever be able to stand on his own, let alone walk.

In the scraps of my deviantart page is my first of many practice sketches. I’ve given myself an hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays for art specifically, so I’ll be spending part of the time on the 6×6 30 second sketches, and the rest on inking and coloring. I have a lot of stuff in progress that I’ve been meaning to finish for a long time now, and by golly, I’m gonna do it.

Work is work. Since my financial aid hasn’t kicked in yet (dang slow governmental processes) I had a bit of a panic the other day when I realized that we didn’t have enough money to cover this month’s tuition. Fortunately, I was able to get a balance increase on a credit card I’d paid off several months ago (and cut up), as well as a new card FedEx, so now I’m good for another month. Here’s hoping my Pell Grant and GI Bill kick in before June 25th.

Hopefully I’ll remember to post interesting things HERE instead of over at deviantart.

I Changed My Mind!

Okay, I decided I’d stick around here a bit longer, mainly because there’s a lot of stuff I should have written about but didn’t because I didn’t want to have too much to move, but then I never got around to getting a new page and I forgot all the stuff I wanted to write about!

Yes, yes, I know! Anyway, thanks for stopping by, I’ll try to be more entertaining in the future.

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